eh...

For about a month or two I've been really struggling, its been a roller coaster of depression and anxiety. going a few days of being fine then fallen back into it. its hard. I try to keep my head up. there are times when i know i should be enjoying myself, but somehow i am stuck in a fog. i feel bad sometimes thinking "i am with people i love right now shouldn't this put me in a good mood, shouldn't i be happy right now?" ...it just makes me feel guilty. its not a good feeling.

Sometimes i think about how i spend my time with people. like if i go out with a bunch of people, i will worry after about it. like "did i not talk enough to a certain person? i hope they had a good time." silly things. i don't want to make someone feel left out or feel as if they are less important then someone else. lately the feeling has increased. like my birthday shindig for example; i had a bunch of people attend. i mean more than i had expected. i was really surprised i had like six tables of people show up at old Chicago. i felt like i couldn't really sit down in one place, cause there was so many people i felt i had to entertain or socialize with. so i was up bouncing around to table to table talking to everyone. and now that i think back about it, i feel like maybe there were some people that i didn't really talk to as much as others or i think that maybe they were bored and it makes me feel bad. like i need to make up for it, to show them that they are a good friend or that i do care about them. i cant help but have a weird/worried feeling about it.
it probably sounds weird to you. i mean you prolly think "there were a lot of people there of course you were up and about the whole time talking to everyone. everyone knows and understands that. no worries!" but see i feel the opposite. ugh I'm weird.

I just keep worrying about everything lately.
like... i feel like i don't spend enough time with people i care for.
Maybe i fear that something bad will happen to either me or them and it will be too late? not sure.
The Stress of not finding a job is weighing so much on me. I'm kinda losing hope that i will even find one. Thinking of how much Han does for me and how much money he spends on me makes me feel bad. Tho he does it cause he wants to, and i tell him that i would rather have him not. but he does anyway. every chance i get i always tell him how grateful i am and how much i appreciate everything... or do nice things for him. tho I don't feel like i deserve anything he does for me, its hard to accept it all.

I hate that i worry so much... maybe that's why my hair is thinning and falling out. too much worrying and stress.