its been awhile...

yup...
So much has happened this year... things that i am proud of and things that i am not.
The things that im not proud of were kind of not my fault, unpreventable in a manner.. depending on what it was of course.

The most unfortunate things keep happening to me. it has been a spiraling downfall. i want to sulk but i just keep telling myself that everything will be okay. things will get better a little at a time. "you cant have the sweet, without the bitter" as someone once said to me. so i'm taking each day as it comes, hoping.

I really want to go back to Church. I also miss everyone from Church. Its been awhile. This Sunday I work at 4pm, so i actually can attend and this makes me Very happy. I need to work on my relationship with God. Very much. Please pray for me that my Faith will strengthen.



I know God has a plan, and i cant wait to see whats in store... even if I fall down again and again.

I feel like there is this constant battle going on inside my head with depression. It seems to be such an on and off struggle.
I don't like talking about it with anyone cause i feel like others will think its petty and that i'm just being dramatic... and not understand.
recent events have only made it worse.

but on Sunday someone came up to me (someone that i would not expect) and said that they noticed that my spirits were down and that i seemed depressed and gave me some words of encouragement and showed love and compassion.. it really meant a lot.

At that moment i felt like God was holding me telling me that everything will be okay...

and i know it will.. i just have to keep praying and stay strong in my Faith and God will always be there to hold me no matter what i go through.


Philippians 4: 4-7

empty

So I feel like nothing, no matter What I do its never good enough. I'm selfish ..
I feel I'm nothing ..i guess I don't bring anything to the table. My hand is always an empty attempt. I Just want to just
Give up now... before I let someone down again. Cause I always seem to do that not matter how hard I try or no matter how much good I think I'm doing..


Go fish.

everything looks perfect from far away...

no one is perfect. not everyone can live up to your standards nor can they fullfill your every need. i know this.
I'm trying not to be selfish. i know i can be a bit much at times. i know i want a lot of things and want things to be different.. but i'm learning that sometimes things cant always be perfect or the way "I" want them to be.

I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me no matter what and loves me for everything i am.. just the way i am. he is so good to me. he puts up with my shenanigans so obviously he thinks i am worthy of his love..
He is such a beautiful person inside and out. He makes my world a better place and he has no idea how much i love him.
i cant see my life without him.

Han is my matching puzzle piece.

meh... work sucked today.

ugh I'm bored. nothing to do. no one to hang out with. No one ever makes plans with me. i feel like I'm boring. Awesome.
Han doesn't even make plans with me anymore. so i guess i am lame.
i think i need a drink. but i don't want to be a loser and go to a bar by myself.

I'm such a pessimist.

not happy.

i have been feeling so alone for the past couple of weeks.. really lonely.

disappointed...

ugh.. finding out how people really are... the ones closest to you can hurt you the most. small lies over and over can affect how well you can trust them in the long run.