Sometimes things just stay with you...

Depression and anxiety has always been something that I've dealt with for most of my life... off and on. i don't really remember much of my childhood.. most of what i can remember were bad things or things that really upset me, and sometimes i still think about those things.. pondering different ways that i maybe could have done to change things. but then some of them i wouldn't have anyway power to change.

here is some things i think about a lot.. i will not share the bad or really sad stuff.. well maybe i will save that for another time.

I remember when my parents split up when i was in the 3rd grade.. my mom, siblings and i moved to the city over to live with my great grandma and my step great grandfather who wasn't a very good man. i went to my last day of school in wyandotte. i remember telling my classmates that they better be nice to me cause it was my last day of school there before i went to school in Ecorse. i didn't really have that many friends in school when i was little. i always singled my self out. i was really shy and not really social. therefore kids made fun of me and it didn't help that i didn't dress very well. so i started school in Ecorse, i hated it. i was really scared, i didn't know anyone and i cried cause i didn't know where my new class was. so anyways. i went to my fathers on the weekends.. well every other weekend, my two brothers got to go every weekend which really bothered me. i couldn't understand why i couldn't go every weekend like them. but anyways about a half year after going to new schools i was in fourth grade of course. i remember a teacher asking me "so did you go to your dads this weekend, how was it?" i just broke down into tears.. i couldn't talk and i starting hyperventilating.. i guess you could say that, that's when my anxiety started. every time someone mentioned anything about my parents or about me going to my dads ..i would just cry. I hated saying goodbye to my Dad.. i remember i would keep waving out the window till i no longer could see his car going down the road. or i would make sure i would say i love you every night or after every phone call or when i would say goodbye. it would bother me if i forgot to say it.
i never felt like i was home when i was without my dad. always having the feeling of being homesick. that feeling of being secure or content was gone once they split up. i was upset with My mom for awhile, i didnt undrstand why my Mother would leave my Father for someone else... my dads best friend to be exact. It was just really confusing for me at the time.

When i was around people i didn't know that well, i wouldn't talk. i would just clam up and when they would talk to me my eyes would get all watery. or sometimes someone would just look at me the wrong way my eyes would water up. whenever i was put in a stressful situation i would get scared and almost start crying. i don't know why this would happen. i hated going to school. i was always very quiet. i never liked being around that many people. i also never liked a lot of attention on me. i was always afraid to ask for help as well.
i was a weird kid. but i didn't have a problem around my siblings or some of the neighbor kids, i would go outside and play like any normal kid would.
the social anxiety went away and came back, then would lighten up then would get worse over the years. The social anxiety went away around 2005ish... i was more out going and wasn't afraid to be around large groups. tho it just developed into Generalized Anxiety. its weird how the mind works.. well at least mine. i hate the fact that it makes me worry about little things.. things that normal people wouldn't worry about. take the normal stress level someone else has and multiply that by 2 or 3. but i thank god that i haven't had a panic attack in almost a year. :)

here's a more up lifting memory i will share;
i remember this 45 strawberry shortcake Record player i had. i loved it so much. I would play it all the time. that was the one thing i loved the most out of every toy i have ever had as a kid. i would put a record on and lay down next to it and just listen while looking at the chipped paint on the sealing of my room. i loved music as a child and i still do of course. i would sing all the time. i would even make up my own songs... my oldest brother mark taped me while i was hiding and singing behind the couch once. i was singing about how much i loved Jesus and my family. lol i found the tape about five years ago and never knew that he taped me until i listened to it. it was cute i still have the tape.

i wonder if i could find that record player on ebay?